Reality
by JaydenMatthews
Summary: Battles. Demons. Struggles. War...and the support found in others to come out on top of it all. And finding that learning to love someone can teach you to learn yourself
1. Chapter 1

Anorexia

noun

a lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).

Common

More than 200,000 US cases per year

Anorexia is characterized by a distorted body image, with an unwarranted fear of being overweight.

Symptoms include trying to maintain a below-normal weight through starvation or too much exercise.

Medical treatment may be needed to restore normal weight. Talk therapy can help with self-esteem and behavior changes.

AGES AFFECTED

0-2

3-5 ****

6-13 ******

14-60 ************

60+ ****

GENDERS AFFECTED

Females *********

Males****

PEOPLE MAY EXPERIENCE

WHOLE BODY:

dehydration, dizziness, fainting, low blood pressure, low body temperature, osteoporosis (weak or brittle bones), water-electrolyte imbalance, or feeling cold.

BEHAVIORAL:

binge eating, compulsive behavior, hyperactivity, impulsivity, or social isolation

MOOD:

anxiety, apprehension, or guilt

WEIGHT:

underweight, weight loss, or extreme weight loss

DEVELOPMENTAL:

delayed puberty or slow growth

MENSTRUAL:

irregular menstruation or absence of menstruation

GASTROINTESTIONAL:

constipation or vomiting

ALSO COMMON:

brittle nails, bruising, depression, dieting, dry hair, dry skin, headache, sensitivity to cold, or slow heart rate

TREATMENT CONSISTS OF THERAPY

Medical treatment may be needed to restore normal weight. Talk therapy can help with self-esteem and behavior changes.

THERAPIES:

Support group, Cognitive behavioral therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Intervention, Interpersonal psychotherapy, Family therapy, Behavior therapy, Psychotherapy, Brief psychotherapy, and Group psychotherapy

MEDICATION:

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI) and Antipsychotic

SPECIALISTS:

Nutritionist, Psychiatrist, Clinical psychologist, and Primary Care Provider (PCP)

I know that starting a story out with statistics and facts may seem strange and unusual, but I feel as though it is needed for this story. I have personally suffered with anorexia my entire 28 years of life but was officially diagnosed when I was 22 in 2012. It has been a battle and a struggle. I finally would start to feel better about myself and life in general but then I would fall right back to where I was again. The saying "Take one step forward to get knocked two steps back" was the story of my life.

I graduated high school in 2008. When I walked across the stage and received my diploma, I weighed 125 pounds. Keep in mind I stand 5 foot 7, so 125 pounds is fairly good.

In 2010 I weighed 132 pounds while I was pregnant with my first and only child. She weighed 7, nearly 8, pounds when she was born. I lost all the "baby weight" but then I continued to lose as time passed. By November of 2012, I weighed a total of 88 pounds. That was the smallest I have ever been in my adult life. I looked like I was on drugs. I looked awful. My eyes were sunk in and their glow was gone. I have muddy water brown eyes but at that time they were black which matched the despair I held within myself. It was consuming me completely. Depression, anxiety, anorexia, and a few others that I would not care to disclose at this time, all mixed in felt like poison in my mind and body. It seeped into my mind and spread throughout my whole body eventually encasing my heart.

Today, the struggle is still very real and an overly sensitive subject. I have never felt comfortable with the way I look. I have never felt comfortable with my body. My collar bones stick out and water pools in on them like a bowl and milk for your cereal. My hipbones protrude to the point that a simple bumping of a table leave bruises for weeks. My legs are ridiculously small and not muscular in the slightest. In the past six years, I have not been able to get above 116 pounds. To this very second, it is what I weigh. Things are slightly better but as I said, the struggle is real and the battle rages on.

My wife has helped me through this in ways that she will never fully understand. She keeps me fighting. She takes care of me. She has shown me that I am not only defined by my weight and the struggles that come with it. My daughter, who is completely unaware of my issues, has also helped me so very much. Before I met my wife, I fought for my mini me. She was the moon in my darkened night sky. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. My two best friends are the backbone of my support system. At any time, I can text them or call them. At any time, I can rant to them and cry on their shoulder...whatever I may need, I can rely on them.

I got the idea for this story tonight because my mother (aka Cora Mills) said something to me that was totally uncalled for and it hurt me; it cut into my very soul. The person that is supposed to be there for me and love me unconditionally also happens to be the cause of most of my issues. No sympathy. No empathy. No understanding. It is so fucking important for people who are struggling and battling and fighting with their inner demons to have support and to not be put down further than they already are. But that seems to be what Cora is best at.

I truly hope that you will enjoy this story. I hope that perhaps you will learn something from this and that it will open some eyes to the reality of anorexia. If I can use what I have been through to teach others or to show someone that they are not alone as they fight their battles, then I will have done something worth a damn in my life. There will be triggering events in this story. BE WARNED: THERE WILL BE DISCUSSION OF SELF-HARM, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF A MALNURISHED BODY, AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS BOTH NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE.

To those of you who struggle with any of these or any other situations:

NEVER. EVER. FEEL. ALONE. Message me. Comment. GET MY NAME AND FIND ME ON FACEBOOK. Review. I will talk to you. I will listen to you. I will give you the best advice that I can give. I will be there for you. I will not judge or belittle you. No one should ever have to face ANY battle alone. I have done it and I nearly did not make it through. But, from this point on, you are not alone. You do not have to face these demons single handedly. I have got your back. You WILL get through this. You WILL be able to look back 5 or 10 years from now, sigh in relief, and say "I made it". You WILL be able to feel the freedom from the hold of your issues. You WILL feel the release from the demons that you carried inside as you stand in the warm sun and feel the light within your soul.

Stay Strong.

Be Positive.

Fight for that Freedom.

Live.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you continue this with me.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Regina Mills

AU

A/N: Ages have been changed to fit this story. Emma is younger than Regina by 7 years. Regina is 28. Emma is about to be 21. Ruby is 29. Zelena is 20. Mulan is 20. Belle is 20. Snow is 32. Henry is 8. Neal Blanchard is 4. Cora is 52. Mulan, Zelena, and Belle are all best friends. They grew up together. Regina is Zelena's older sister but also sees Mulan and Belle as younger sisters. Snow lives in a different state than everyone else but is an incredibly good friend of Regina's. Ruby, Emma, and Regina are close but Ruby and Regina are remarkably close friends. Cora is Regina and Zelena's mother.

A small town in Arkansas. By small I mean a town consisting of just under three hundred people. The town, Paintsville, contains three gas stations, one cemetery, four churches, and the school right on the main highway. There are two restaurants here, one containing Mexican food and the other is your typical southern Friday night from August until November is centered around the high school football games. The boys drive their trucks that are usually jacked up with lift kits and big tires. There are high school parties on the back roads and NOTHING exciting ever happens here, and this is where Regina Mills grew up.

When she was small, Regina loved nothing more than spending time with her father, Henry. He was a strong, tall, hardworking man that taught Regina how to take on life as well as how to live it. He was her hero and remains such to this very day. The small girl wanted to do everything that her daddy did. If he was outside mowing the yard, Regina could be found sitting right on his lap. If he was laying in the floor watching a movie, Regina was sitting right in front of him leaning her back against his stomach with both sets of eyes glued to the picture on the screen. Her father had grown up only two towns over form where they lived now, and he was a bit of a sports nut. He played football and baseball and wanted to be a professional wrestler like what you would watch on television. He could not have been prouder to learn that his daughter also shared a loved for the game of baseball. It all started when he was coaching his nephews' team and he could not keep Regina off the field. So, they put her in a batting helmet, and she got to stay in the dugout. He bought her the first glove and ball that she ever owned (which was made of a soft material and a ball with Velcro strips to learn to catch). She showed off her talents by throwing rocks in their front yard on main street and managing to hit moving vehicles. Now, this is an impressive thing but still bad as they were cars that she managed to hit, and damage was done. Henry was impressed with his brown eyed baby girl, but he put up a fence to prevent further incidents. He coached her and taught her and watched her excel. He saw the glow in her eyes when she stepped out onto a field. He watched the smile spread across her face when she turned a double play or struck out a batter. He and his daughter shared the same first love...the game. Looking back on her life growing up, Regina would realize that her father taught her more about life than any other person on this planet and that fact made her love and admire him that much more.

Cora Mills was a completely different situation entirely. Looking back on it now, Regina has no idea what to make of the woman that gave birth to her. She thinks that perhaps Cora loved her in her own twisted way. It was well after Regina began when she learned that punishment for wrong doings did not always have to be physical. Cora Mills was highly popular with the male population during her first three years of marriage to Henry Mills. When she learned of her pregnancy, she resented the child growing within her. This child brought about the end of her...extra activities. So, when the child grew to the age of making her own choices, punishment ensued.

The first time Regina remembers falling to the wrath of Cora, she was only four years of age. At first, the punishments were simple spankings, Cora's hand to Regina's buttocks. But they soon escalated. In eighteen years, Regina can recall being punished with belts, extension cords, wooden spoons, spatulas, shoes, hands, fists, and sticks. Once she was beaten on the butt with a 2x4. She didn't know what it was then but now, at twenty-eight years of age, she realizes that her mother was physically abusive to her. However, the abuse did not stop there. The mental abuse was much worse. The scars in Regina's mind and memory are much deeper than the scars marking her skin. Sure, there are physical scars on her back from the beatings from Cora but those healed; they faded over the years. They are only just raised marks on her skin. But the nightmares, the fear of sleeping, the memory of being awoken from a deep sleep for punishment, the terrified reaction to loud and unexpected noises, the PTSD, the self-harm that began at age fourteen, the scars...all caused by Cora Mills.

Now, it is not my intention to attempt to lead you to believe that misery and abuse are the only two things that made up Regina's childhood for that is not the case. There were happy times as well. She played softball for her high school, even earning the rank of team captain during her Junior and Senior year. She received awards for her time on defense, highest batting average, and Most Valuable Player. The school even retired her jersey number which she had hanging on her wall in her bedroom after the jersey was presented to her after the last game her Senior year. As a child, she took part in cheerleading clinics offered by the school but soon grew to hate the sport for the femininity that it pointed the younger women towards. She loved music and once sought out a career as a professional singer. When she was eight years old, Regina was gifted with Zelena, her only biological sister and the second love in her life.

Zelena changed everything within Regina. With one look at her baby sister, she was captivated. She took one look into the big eyes of the child and felt love and the courage of an army and the need to protect her at any and all costs from every evil in this world, including their mother. Many nights Regina would leave her own bed and sneak into her parents' room to crawl under the crib holding her sister and would sleep there to ensure the safety of the baby girl. It was only a short year into Zelena's life when the older brunette realized that the mother she had grown with and the woman she saw with her younger sister was not the same. The same face. The same body. But not the same personality. Not the same woman. Cora loved Zelena with every fiber of her being. She looked upon her second child with love in her eyes and admiration in her heart. Zelena was never physically abused by Cora. She was manipulated and abused mentally by the older woman but never to the same extent as that of her older sister.

At the age of fourteen, Regina discovered the dark and twisted rabbit hole of self-harm. When it started the cuts were few and far between and barely visible. She only cut when her day had been particularly rough or when Cora would unleash her fury. She would burn herself occasionally as well with a key that she had on a chain around her neck that went to a box where she kept her razor blades, alcohol wipes, and bandages. The pain was always inflicted on her left forearm and that remains true to this very day. Self-harm is a whole separate war from anorexia, but it is still very real. It can easily become an addiction, just like cigarettes or alcohol. Which is exactly what it was for Regina. After graduating high school, Regina conceived her first child, Henry Daniel Mills, at nineteen years old. He was born on February third in two thousand and ten when Regina was nineteen. Henry was the best thing that ever happened to her. He was her third love in life but the love she felt for her son was massive compared to her love of her sister and the game of softball. His big brown eyes that matched her own. His thick brown hair was an exact copy of his mothers. Every inch of him was perfection. It was only for him that Regina's demons fell silent, but they only stayed at bay for a short while.

In her early twenties, she ripped her arm to shreds with an old bank card that she had bent in half repeatedly until it broke in half. On that same day, she was taken to the emergency room by her girlfriend at the time where she spent ten hours in the observation room. It was meant to be a "safe room" but while she was there, Regina counted at least a dozen ways for her to injure herself. At some point that night she was transferred to a mental health facility called Compass where she spent the next five days. She was given antipsychotic medication, attended individual therapy, attended group therapy but did not participate because she was not interested in sharing her stories with other people that were dealing with issues of their own, and eventually she was released back into society. This was her breaking point. This was when anorexia reared its ugly head.

Over the upcoming months, Regina found herself without a job but buying a certain medication used to make a certain illegal drug for a well-known drug dealer in a small town. She witnessed a man nearly beat to death with a wooden baseball bat because he did not have the money to pay the drug dealer. She was terrified to say the least. She was smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol frequently. She cheated on her girlfriend, one drunken night, with the same drug dealer that she was working for and became pregnant with her second child. Her weight dropped below one hundred pounds due to all of the stress that she was under and her life was falling to pieces. She lost the baby in November about eight weeks into the pregnancy. She was on the road when the fetus passed through her body and was forced to carry it between her legs for forty-five miles. After recovering from the trauma of losing her second child, Regina decided that it must have been for the best as she was not mentally or emotionally stable enough for another child. Then her weight dropped down to eighty-eight pounds.

With losing her child, her health rapidly declining, and her life spiraling out of control, Regina decided that it was time for a huge change. She needed to get better. She needed to get healthy. She needed to regain control of her life. So, she went and found a job at a nursing home as a Certified Nursing Assistant. She began eating regularly and forcing herself to eat just one or two more bites with every meal to stretch her stomach more. Her son needed her to be healthy. She was working a full-time position and spending every other moment with Henry. Life was beginning to look up. Regina was feeling better about herself. She was starting to physically look better. That all changed when she met and began a romantic relationship with Crystal. Crystal was a nurse at the nursing home where Regina worked. They hung out a few times and before it could even be recognized, Regina thought she had found love and they moved in together. Crystal, Regina, Henry, and the two children belonging to the charge nurse all lived in a house that resembled a log cabin. Regina eventually was fired from her job at the nursing home for having a relationship in the workplace and that was against procedure. So, she got a job at a different nursing home in a different town. That is where Regina met her best friend and soul sister, Mary Margaret Blanchard. The two girls had an instant connection and were fast friends. They worked together and hung out away from work. They had movie nights at Mary's house and went shopping together which always held concerts in Regina's Jeep to and from their destination. They were sisters that had neither of the same parents and no blood relation at all, but it was like fate brought them together.

The relationship between Regina and Crystal went well for about eight months. The nurse suffered from several different mental illnesses which required her to take medication every single day and at some point, the medication ran out. That is when the real Crystal appeared. During a fight that the two girls had one night, Crystal had backed Regina into a corner and was showing violent tendencies. Regina put her hands against Crystal's shoulders and merely straightened her arms to put space between them. That made the nurse see red. She grabbed Regina and threw her across the room then climbed on top of her and wrapped her hands around the brunette's throat. She choked her until Regina's face turned purple. It wasn't until Crystal's oldest child came in the room and screamed that she released the younger girl. Damage had been done, however. Regina's neck was bleeding slightly where fingernails had dug into her skin and bruising was appearing from the force of the hold. All that Regina could think about was the fact that her son was upstairs asleep in his bed.

Regina sent Henry to stay with her mother, against her better judgement, and went to stay with Mary Margaret after that. She slept on her couch for around a month or two while she was looking for a place to live on her own. Luckily, she found a place with two bedrooms for herself and her son. She could not have been happier when she was handed the key to her front door. Her and Mary Margaret spent a good two weeks cleaning the place before she moved in. They cleaned walls and cabinets and scrubbed the carpet with scrub brushes. It was that dirty. They listened to music while they cleaned, and Mary even took a video of Regina dancing and singing like Michael Jackson. There were many pictures and videos taken in that place while they were making it livable but the memories they created there was worth every second of hard work and every blister on their hands.

After a few months, Regina and Henry decided that moving back home and staying with her father would be just what they needed. She needed a place where she could slow everything down; to get her feet back under herself. She needed to get grounded again. In May of two thousand and fifteen, Regina and little Henry moved all of their things into big Henry's house and began building their new and improved life together. Regina knew that she would be able to find stability and structure with her father and that is exactly what she found. Henry started school soon after they arrived back home, and Regina got an interview at Sonic Drive In. If she was being honest, Regina was both proud and embarrassed of her new employment. She was thrilled to have a source of income and the tips that she received were quite helpful on the day to day life but she was also embarrassed because working in the fast food industry as a basic waitress was not ideal for a twenty five year old single mother. But she was determined to make this work. She needed the money.

Her first day was...terrible. Regina managed to drop a tray of drinks effectively busting all four cups when they crashed to the ground. The woman that was supposed to be training her left four hours earlier than Regina with no clue as to what she should be doing. The after-school rush was in full swing as the end of the school day ended right in the middle of happy hour and everyone came to get half price drinks. Orders were coming in left and right. Drink orders filled the drink screen. Every employee was running all over the place and all over each other just to keep up with the flow of the orders coming in. The cups and lids were starting to run low, so Regina decided to stock them. First the cups and then the lids which were stored in a dispenser above the drink machine that also held a built-in cooler for ice. She went to the freezer in the back of the building and scooped ice into the bucket that was used to transport the ice from the big machine to the cooler in the front. She carried the bucket up front and dumped it in. Usually it would take five or six trips to fill the built-in cooler to the top with ice but Regina was now working on trip number eight. This was how fast everything was moving. She made her way towards the front through a small doorway and past the ice cream machine with bucket number nine when she saw the most beautiful sight (other than her son) that her eyes had ever lay upon.

Regina's entire body froze mid step when her eyes fell upon the angel leaning against the wall at the front of the building by the entrance. Blonde hair was pulled back into a high ponytail above the back Velcro of her Sonic visor. Black shorts that stopped just right above her knees. Her blue Sonic shirt was tucked into the shorts and the most beautiful face; the type of beauty that the angels themselves would look upon with envy and jealousy. And then the most amazing thing happened; above all of the hustle and bustle going on, the two locked eyes. In that second, everything around the busy place froze still. All of the movements surrounding them blacked out of Regina's vision. All of the noise within the small yet still busy place faded to silence. The only sound that Regina could hear was that of her own heartbeat slamming against the confinement of her sternum. She was sure that if it had not been caged, her heart would have would have beaten straight through the very bone that held it within her body. This girl was standing only six feet away with only a drink machine standing between them. And something in Regina told her that this girl was unattainable. Girls like her did not fall for girls like Regina. They did not get their happily ever after with one another. It just did not work that way. She had no idea what this girl would mean for her future. She had no idea what this girl would mean for her life. She had no idea that this girl would become her life and her future. She had no idea but, good God, she was willing to give it a try.

TBC

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING SO FAR. I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO POST AS I GET THESE WRITTEN QUICKLY BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS A VERY EMOTIONAL RIDE FOR ME. SOME OF THESE THINGS ARE VERY HARD FOR ME TO SHARE BUT I AM TRYING. I HOPE YOU STICK WITH ME. DONT FORGET TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR.


	3. Chapter 3

_**UPDATE:**_

I want to apologize for not giving regular updates on the story. I have so much going on in life right now and I have not been able to focus on much of anything except simply surviving on a day to day basis. My depression is getting to better of me and I have found myself in a dangerous place. I have relapsed after 2.5 years, my marriage may be ending, and my 8 year old tells me that I am a stranger to her. At this current time, I am going to focus on getting healthy again before I try to update any further. I am so sorry to disappoint you. I will return as soon as I can.


	4. Chapter 4

_**It has been nearly 2 months since I have last said anything to anyone on this site. I have been doing more reading and a lot of dealing with my own personal life and it seems as though things have hit a stand still; no better, no worse. I am working on Soul Strings currently but what I am really needing are people to talk to both about the story and about life. I tie my personal life to my stories and I guess to be able to get it right I need to be able to talk about it first. So I guess what I am asking for is some people to talk to...**_


End file.
